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The current period represents a full decade since the word “vanishing” hit the mainstream. At the time, the concept that someone could suddenly stop contact with a lover without a word seemed like the pinnacle of disrespect. Our innocence was charming. In the ten-year span since, finding a partner has only become more perplexing – an commonly unsuccessful exercise in awkwardness that is increasingly shaped by social media lingo.

Zoomers, a demographic who grew up during a social isolation crisis, a masculinity crisis, and a coordinated challenge on the freedoms of women and the LGBTQ+ community, faces a significantly more chaotic landscape than their Gen Y elders could ever envision. And so their dating vocabulary has grown more extensive and more unhinged, with terms like “Ogre-ing” and “vine swinging” straining the limits of your sanity.

What follows is a detailed glossary to the terms this generation is using to talk about love, sex and the quest of both. To echo one of the year’s most viral online sayings, by the end of this glossary you’ll ache to get back to God’s country – because where that is, it is free from “ideological catfishing”.

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The Letter A

Realness – For Zoomers, romance's ideal is presenting as your real, unfiltered self. Best wishes with that!

B

Bird theory – A online phenomenon loosely based on a methodology developed by relationship scientists, in which you mention something insignificant – for example, “A bird flew by earlier” – and observe whether your partner’s reaction is engaged or brushed off. If they show no desire to hear more about the bird, you two are not compatible.

Mysterious girlfriend – Zoomers' rebuttal to the “quirky fantasy girl” archetype of the early 2000s – but rather than having baby bangs, liking indie music and eschewing commitment, the mysterious partner focuses on her own needs while exuding mystery and independence. (She may yet have that fringe.)

C

Support test – This means going for someone who supports you without being asked. If you walked into a room, they would get a chair for you to take a load off.

Choremance – A meet-up where two people bond while handling tasks, such as pet care or grocery shopping. In other words, how broke young adults do affordable dating in a post-cheap-date world.

Emotional spiral – Having a breakdown when you feel overwhelmed by life. You can spiral over a infatuation or split, venting all of your unreciprocated emotions.

The Letter D

Dink – Two incomes, no children. Once a signifier of 1980s yuppie excess, it refers to pairs who opt out of having children to focus on their own well-being. Or because they find it financially impossible to become parents.

The Letter E

Vulnerable signaling – The opposite of acting aloof: utilizing communication, transparency and vulnerability.

F

Signals

• Warning signs – Behavioral quirks signaling a prospective partner is trouble. For instance calling their former partners crazy, subpar tipping habits, a fondness for controversial director films, a burgeoning DJ career …
• Positive signs – These quirks confirm your choice to pursue a mate. Such as following up to make sure you got home safely after a date, minimal screen time, having a bed frame …
• Odd but harmless traits – These usually describe specific, largely inoffensive idiosyncrasies. Such as being an keen birdwatcher, still keeping a biro in their purse, paying the rent in physical money …

Niche bonding – When you meet someone who’s just as obsessive about films about the WWII or DVD collecting or art or anything it may be, as you. Or, conversely, finding someone who hates the same stuff or individuals that you do (nothing fosters intimacy faster than sharing a nemesis).

The Letter G

Geese – A musical group many young men is into.

Ghostlighting – Someone who pops back into your life after a period of silence.

Loyal boyfriend – Someone who is affable, eager to please and devoted. The rare boyfriend who is adored by all of his partner’s friends, and a mysterious partner's opposite.

Prolonged session enthusiasts – A primarily online community of men so obsessed with self-pleasure that they attempt marathon sessions, intentionally delaying climax so they can go on as long as possible.

The Letter H

Heterofatalism – A phenomenon describing many women’s increasing despair toward straight relationships. It will come as little surprise to anyone who read the above entry.

Traditional ideal woman – An archetype touted by online male influencer figures: a woman who is attractive, nurturing and happily domestic, who apparently has no ambitions of her own aside from pleasing her male partner. Perhaps now you’re beginning to see the whole “heterofatalism” thing better?

The Letter I

Icks – Arbitrary and frequently trivial repulsions that immediately shut down any feelings of desire.

“If he wanted to, he would" – Something to keep in mind after you watch someone else receive an incredibly romantic gesture.

The Letter J

Jobs – These have not been this crucial in the romance landscape since the greed-is-good era. For some women, a “finance bro” is the ultimate catch: a preppy, conservative-leaning guy who will be a provider (there’s a hit TikTok song on the topic). Meanwhile the left-leaning crowd prefer partners in professions they believe are being staffed by the more emotionally available among us: healthcare workers, educators or counselors.

The Letter K

Kissing – This year, scientists learned that kissing has been around for 16m years. But the era of kissing may be numbered since some Zoomers prefer fewer sex scenes in film, as they are having less sex themselves and do not find cinematic romance realistic.

Light catfishing – Mild deception. Or, not exactly being dishonest about who you are, but maybe using outdated (better) photos of yourself on a online profile, or making your career sound more prestigious than it is. Also known as {